The main thing we learnt from the first episode of this much-publicised new Sky hysterical “historical” drama series (other than that King Cogidubnus appeared to have been spirited away and replaced by Zoe Wanamaker) was that it is a very bad idea to pray to Mars (or presumably any other god/goddess) whilst on the toilet, especially if one is a bloke and therefore incapable of multi-tasking. So doing runs the risk of being taken unawares by the enemy, dragged off, tied up, tortured and then thrown over a waterfall. Such was the unfortunate fate of a Roman legionary from Numidia who, having been advised by his general (David Morrissey, disappointingly not playing the general with a Scouse accent) that the best way of conquering a country was to relieve oneself all over its woodlands, went off to do so, decided to offer up a few words of supplication to the god of war at the same time, and was captured by a single unarmed Celt who just happened to be lurking about. Right.
This wondrous series is set during the second Roman invasion of Britain – i.e. not the one led by Julius Caesar (covered in Carry on Cleo with a fairly similar degree of accuracy to that employed in this), but the one 87 years later, in AD 43. Obviously the Romans didn’t realise that things had switched from BC to AD, but that’s beside the point. It was explained that none of the Celts had realised that the Romans, led by Aulus Plautius (the aforementioned general, who’d obviously heard about the British weather, because he was wearing a fur coat) were coming, despite the fact that the Roman army had been marching north-westwards for weeks, because they were all too busy scrapping amongst themselves to take any notice of what was going on elsewhere. Despite this, there was some talk of making an alliance with the Gauls, apparently involving a British woman, who’d already got a British husband, acquiring a French husband as well. Obviously bigamy is a very bad thing, but it certainly sounds a lot cheaper than paying £45 million to boost security around Calais. However, the Gauls evidently hadn’t managed to tip off the Britons than the Romans were heading their way. So much for Entente Cordiale.
We know from all the previews that two tribes of Celts are going to band together to try to see off the Romans, but, at the moment, they’re very much separate, which all got a bit confusing. The first lot we met, the Cantii, consisted of a lot of Druids, some men who weren’t Druids, and some women with Northern and Midland accents who bossed about the men who weren’t Druids. I was rather concerned by the unfortunate lack of woad. They all had white stuff on their faces, but no woad. Anyway, they were all busy with a solstice ritual when along came the Romans, who killed some of them and took the rest prisoner. However, one young girl was rescued by an attractive outlaw. I’m not sure whether the idea was that the Celts all spoke Latin, the Romans all spoke ancient Brythonic or both, but no-one seemed to have the slightest trouble understanding each other. Also, there was a lot of swearing. I thought it was supposed to be the Anglo-Saxons who swore all the time? Never mind. Even worse, some of the Roman soldiers split their infinitives. I can’t stand it when people split their infinitives.
The other Celtic tribe, the Regni, led by Zoe Wanamaker, did have woad. Hooray! Zoe plays Queen Antedia. Regrettably, Queen Antedia never actually existed. As far as we can make out, the resistance to the Romans was led by two brothers (supposedly the sons of Cymbeline, about whom Shakespeare wrote a play), Caratacus (no relation to the dad) in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) and Togodumnus. Caratacus is sometimes identified with the legendary Welsh king Caradog, who is also supposed to have been connected with King Arthur, which doesn’t really work as King Arthur, if he existed, wasn’t around until several centuries later. Togodumnus, more realistically, is sometimes identified with the King Cogidubnus, the one who appears in Stage 2 of the Cambridge Latin Course and is the intended victim of a plot in which Quintus, our old pal from Pompeii, gets tangled up.
Now, Cogidubnus was the King of the Regni/Regnenses. So where was he? There is definitely no reference in the Cambridge Latin Course to a Queen Antedia. I think we should be told.
Er, yes. Well, none of this makes very much sense. Let’s face it, no-one really knows that much about what actually happened, other than Boudicca’s Revolt and that wasn’t until AD 60 or AD 61. But I’m quite sure that Tacitus never said anything about anyone being captured whilst praying on the toilet.
The whole thing was an absolute load of rubbish. But, do you know what? It was entertaining. I was laughing all the way through it. I don’t think it was meant to be funny, but it was. It was one of those things which are just so bad that they’re good. I am definitely watching the rest of series! Bring it on!